This is my plea to you.
Growing up I always thought my relationships were about average. As a average teenage girl I thought every guy that came along with a cute smile, and what seemed to be a caring heart, might be the guy for me. I would fall head over heels for him. Like many girls I was too trusting and easily fooled. It took me years to realize it. Once I was in college I was in psychology class one day and we were talking about relationships. It didn’t hit me until then just how horrible things were. It took me until then to realize how much abuse I actually went through. Now I am not trying to start a sob story here, I purely want to talk about how much abusing a person can change their life and how life gets better.
The first boy (yes boy, not man) I can think of was by far the worst. This relationship happened during my early/middle high school years and really had the most impact on me. I went day by day putting one hundred and ten percent into a relationship that slowly made me into a horrible person. Day after day I would be degraded and ridiculed for the absolute DUMBEST things. I slowly got cut off from my friends and he even turned me against my family. I would get in the worst fights with my mom and it weakened our relationship SEVEARLY at the time. I think that is what hurt me the most. At the time I had no idea this wasn’t normal. It was my first real relationship and I thought I was just doing things wrong. It took me a long time after the relationship ended, to realize I was severely abused by him. When it did end, that’s when high school went to hell. Most people knew who I was in high school but I was far from popular. Him, on the other hand, was known by everyone and popular as could be. After it ended between us, the abuse didn’t stop. He told people horrid things about me that was untrue. However, him being the popular one, why would anyone question him? Why would anyone think twice about it? I think that’s when I first felt invisible.
The next boy (once again, boy, not man) that comes to mind was another cocky, self-centered, popular guy. Now remember, at this time, I was invisible and had the self-confidence of a potato. This happened around the middle/end of high school. I, once again, gave everything I had for this relationship and I could not please him to save my life. I was constantly wrong and messing up. If he told me how to do something and I did it exactly how he said I was STILL wrong. I never knew until about a month ago that he has told people horrible things as well. After this relationship, I felt more invisible than ever and struggled with the isolation.
Then I can just think of a few guys that I liked at some point that I never actually dated. Some happened before and some during high school. Not one of those relationships made me feel worth anything. They all just made me feel like a doormat. So at this point I was invisible, an outcast, full of ZERO self-confidence, hated by 90% of my class, and just wanting to be wanted. **INSERT HUNTER HAYS LYRICS**
After that my horrible choice in guys changed and when I was a senior I found a pretty great person to be with. I found a guy full of love and happiness and that’s the relationship that I think I have the most regrets about. At first, things were great. I was finally so happy and felt so loved. Being with him, I made a lot of new friends and I finally didn’t feel invisible. Life with him was great. It was full of countless football games, nights with friends, parties, and days at the local swimming pool. It made me better. And then I graduated high school. Suddenly I was in college and he was in high school and that’s when things changed. At first it was still full of happiness and adventure, but somewhere along our relationship my depression worsened and things were different. I started to push him away as depression often does in relationships. Between classes, depression, and a boyfriend that lived out of town, things quickly worsened. I started skipping class and became extremely shy and quiet. I was no longer happy and high on life. I pushed him away and almost cut him off from what was happening with me. I really, to this day, don’t know if he ever knew how depressed I was. I think that is what I hate most about my past. I am the reason that relationship failed and I really wish he knew why. But looking at it now, we would eventually have grown apart. I don’t believe God made us for each other. He is a great person that I could never say a bad thing about, but we didn’t fit perfectly. We dated for a little less than two years when we finally broke up. While I knew it was the right thing to do, I still hurt and was full of depression. I will always be so thankful for him and how he made me a better person. And I will always think of him as the man that let me know that not all guys are going to hurt you. Thank you so much for teaching me to trust gain. You’re truly a God sent. And here enters my guardian angel.
My Guardian Angel
Seth came into my life the semester things ended with me, and the guy I was just talking about. We had a class together and while he instantly had a crush on me, we didn’t ever talk until about the middle/end of the semester. I, at the time, was working as a photographer on campus and first talked to him on Facebook when I needed help with a yearbook project. Not long after that, he became one of my only college friends. Yes, just friends. That changed when my last relationship ended. I remember meeting him crying one night and him just listening to me sob and talk about how bad I felt, all the while he just sat there as supportive and caring as could be. After the tears finally stopped we sat there for hours and he managed to make me laugh. I think that was the happiest I had been in a while. As every day passed, he continued to be supportive and made it his mission to keep me smiling throughout the day. That’s when I started to fall for the 6’2, blue-eyed, red headed, left handed pitcher, that I never even planned for. I felt so wanted and loved. I tried to slow myself down, because I had just got out of a long relationship. I didn’t want to talk to another guy for a long time, but I couldn’t help fall head over heals for the most compassionate and loving man that I have ever met. I have to say the timing was horrible, but I was so happy when we started dating. I’m pretty sure that is also when a lot of people started hating me too. I don’t blame them though. I just got out of a long-term relationship and started dating someone else a few weeks later! What?! I would probably hate me too. But, it doesn’t matter how many people were mad at me for it, I was finally HAPPY. I deserved to be happy. I cannot express the love I have for my firefighter/EMT. He is devoting himself to saving peoples lives and little does he know, but he has saved mine. I’m not going to get all mushy, but I do want to say that God created the perfect person for me to spend the rest of my life with. I cannot wait to conquer forever with him.
I still have depression, along with anxiety and am EXTREMELY shy. I literally only have three friends in college and only a few other friends. I am still an outsider and pretty invisible to the world. But, I no longer care. With Seth’s love, I am whole and I shine brighter everyday.
So in the end I have a plea for everyone. Relationships are hard. Growing up is harder. You’re going to screw up and have regrets, but you’re going to make some amazing memories along the way. Don’t give up. It gets better. It might take months or even years, but it WILL get better. Being happy is goals. Just push through the bad days and I promise something amazing will happen. All the crap I went through was only a small portion of my life and I have the rest of my years to be the happiest person. I give all the glory to God, and know he tests you, and rewards you.
“We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.”
“I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live;”
Ecclesiastes 3:12 ESV