I often get asked what it’s like to have anxiety and depression. Every single time the only thing I can think of is, “It’s constantly fighting yourself.” Beyond those words I have never been able to describe what it’s like. At 9:31 p.m. on Friday, October 14th I have found it. I found the answer.
“Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time.
It’s the fear of failure but no urge to be productive.
It’s wanting friends but hating socializing.
It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely.
It’s caring about everything then caring about nothing.
It’s feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzingly numb.”
-My life is a constant excruciating fight. With myself.-
It is almost the middle of the semester and I am still terrified to go to my classes. Classes I have been to many times, and every time I sit in them listening to my professor lecture, it’s the constant feeling of the world crashing down on me and being unable to breathe, along with wanting to so badly make friends but feeling so lonely. It’s me constantly having to sit up straight and not look mad or sad because everyone MUST be looking and judging me. It’s ridiculous. I’m so worried about everything I don’t even hear half the things that my professor is saying. It’s dumb that I am like that. It completely stupid. As much as I would like that to change it won’t and I understand that. I just wish everyone else would too.
It doesn’t matter where I go or what I do, I always feel like an outsider. I can be with my best friends and feel completely out-of-place. I can be in a room full of people and feel completely alone. It sucks. I can be doing something that I am really good at or know a lot about, and I will feel like the dumbest person in the room. For example, I have been riding horses my whole life. I have been told countless times that I am an excellent rider and I know that I know what I am doing. However, being in riding classes for WT, I went and left class every time feeling like a complete idiot. I’m not saying that I am a perfect rider at all, but I am confident in myself. Until class came around. Then I was nothing. Isn’t that sad?
Can you imagine? Waking up everyday to a fight. A fight that can decide how your day goes or how your life goes. Fighting yourself to move. To try. To be the real you. Fighting to talk to someone. The feeling when you want to raise your hand to ask a question in class but not being able to move, all while you are screaming at yourself on the inside to just ask. Fighting yourself to call someone to ask about a job but every piece of you saying they will just deny you. Fighting with yourself to live your life.
I can easily sit here and believe all the things people may see me as. But I am not going to. I am NOT
lazy. I am NOT rude. I am NOT a failure. I am NOT hopeless. I am a warrior. I am a fighter. I am strong. I am loving, caring, friendly, and passionate. I am also scared. I am imperfect, shy, and exhausted. But those things are OK. I can embrace those things. I can embrace being a complete crazy mess, because I am a beautiful, unique, crazy mess. And that’s good enough for me.
Depression and anxiety…. feels like drowning. It feels like being unable to move while slowly sinking underwater, staring up, wanting so badly to just surface and take a breath of air. It’s the worst feeling. And that feeling never leaves. But just because that is how I feel, it doesn’t mean I am actually drowning. I am still breathing air and above the surface. I am still going and making it. And for that, I must say I am blessed.
So next time you see me sitting in class, at the store, riding horses, or giving a speech, know that I am fighting. I am fighting the worst fight of my life. I might be losing that day, or I might be winning. Try to understand, I do not hate you. I am not mad. I am not trying to be rude. I am at war. And I am a WARRIOR. >>>———->
As always, I give all the glory to God.
P.S. I got a tattoo, and it makes the bad days better. ❤
Love you mom.
“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”- Deuteronomy 31:8
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”-Proverbs 3:5-6