My Daily Fight.


I often get asked what it’s like to have anxiety and depression. Every single time the only thing I can think of is, “It’s constantly fighting yourself.” Beyond those words I have never been able to describe what it’s like. At 9:31 p.m. on Friday, October 14th I have found it. I found the answer.

“Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time.

It’s the fear of failure but no urge to be productive.

It’s wanting friends but hating socializing.

It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely.

It’s caring about everything then caring about nothing.

It’s feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzingly numb.”


-My life is a constant excruciating fight. With myself.-


It is almost the middle of the semester and I am still terrified to go to my classes. Classes I have been to many times, and every time I sit in them listening to my professor lecture, it’s the constant feeling of the world crashing down on me and being unable to breathe, along with wanting to so badly make friends but feeling so lonely. It’s me constantly having to sit up straight and not look mad or sad because everyone MUST be looking and judging me. It’s ridiculous. I’m so worried about everything I don’t even hear half the things that my professor is saying. It’s dumb that I am like that. It completely stupid. As much as I would like that to change it won’t and I understand that. I just wish everyone else would too.

It doesn’t matter where I go or what I do, I always feel like an outsider. I can be with my best friends and feel completely out-of-place. I can be in a room full of people and feel completely alone. It sucks. I can be doing something that I am really good at or know a lot about, and I will feel like the dumbest person in the room. For example, I have been riding horses my whole life. I have been told countless times that I am an excellent rider and I know that I know what I am doing. However, being in riding classes for WT, I went and left class every time feeling like a complete idiot. I’m not saying that I am a perfect rider at all, but I am confident in myself. Until class came around. Then I was nothing. Isn’t that sad? 

Can you imagine? Waking up everyday to a fight. A fight that can decide how your day goes or how your life goes. Fighting yourself to move. To try. To be the real yomeu. Fighting to talk to someone. The feeling when you want to raise your hand to ask a question in class but not being able to move, all while you are screaming at yourself on the inside to just ask. Fighting yourself to call someone to ask about a job but every piece of you saying they will just deny you. Fighting with yourself to live your life.

I can easily sit here and believe all the things people may see me as. But I am not going to. I am NOT lazy. I am NOT rude. I am NOT a failure. I am NOT hopeless. I am a warrior. I am a fighter. I am strong. I am loving, caring, friendly, and passionate. I am also scared. I am imperfect, shy, and exhausted. But those things are OK. I can embrace those things. I can embrace being a complete crazy mess, because I am a beautiful, unique, crazy mess. And that’s good enough for me.

drowning

Depression and anxiety…. feels like drowning. It feels like being unable to move while slowly sinking underwater, staring up, wanting so badly to just surface and take a breath of air. It’s the worst feeling. And that feeling never leaves. But just because that is how I feel, it doesn’t mean I am actually drowning. I am still breathing air and above the surface. I am still going and making it. And for that, I must say I am blessed.

So next time you see me sitting in class, at the store, riding horses, or giving a speech, know that I am fighting. I am fighting the worst fight of my life.  I might be losing that day, or I might be winning. Try to understand, I do not hate you. I am not mad. I am not trying to be rude. I am at war. And I am a WARRIOR. >>>———->

As always, I give all the glory to God.

Love Always,

Small-Town Wallflower

tattoo

P.S. I got a tattoo, and it makes the bad days better.  ❤

Love you mom.

 

 

 

 

 

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”- Deuteronomy 31:8

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”-Proverbs 3:5-6

 


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My Advice For You

My advice for you.


In college people have high expectations for you. They expect you to study everyday, attend class regularly, keep your grades up, work a part time job, eat healthy/work out, be involved in campus activities/groups, have a relationship, and figure out your career, while maintaining a 4.0 GPA. To that, I say HA. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to say that all of those things aren’t important, because they are. I am purely trying to say don’t beat yourself up for not fulfilling what other people see as the standard, because that is NOT a standard. That is the max.

My first semester of college at WT, I quickly realized how ridiculous the “standard” was. Trying as hard as I could to live by it, I soon started to break down. I would be so tired I couldn’t pay attention in class and eventually would become sick. I would be so exhausted and sick that I would constantly miss class. Obviously, this made my grades suffer. I would then throw myself into trying to learn everything I missed, and study for hours and hours on end. I would even study through the night and get up early and go to class the next day. Then the cycle would repeat itself. As some of you know, I already am riddled with depression and this process made it much worse. It fueled my depression like gallons of gasoline being poured on fire. This also flared up my anxiety. I got to where I dreaded going to class because every time I was on campus it was a constant mixture of feeling invisible and feeling stared at. There was multiple times I reached out for help or tried to have a conversation with a classmate and was ether completely ignored or looked at like I was crazy. At other times I felt like everyone was looking at me, judging me, thinking that I was a horrible student and I didn’t belong there. It was high school all over again. No friends, depression, anxiety, and a lot of judgment. Once again, I was lost.

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My key to sanity at WT

After a few semesters of feeling hopeless, dumb, sick, and lost I came up with a new outlook on things. I STOPPED trying to live by the standard. I studied, but not for hours on end, so that I could actually take time to enjoy the day and re-energize my mind and body. I realized how important a good nights sleep was and how it was key to get to class. If I did get to the point where I felt exhausted, sick, or extremely depressed, I would give myself a day or two to feel healthy and happy again. Now that might entail missing a class or two, or not studying as much as I would like to for a test, but it did make me feel like a better person. In doing this, I brought my GPA up, made a friend (yes one whole friend, but she is my best friend and that is a small victory), bettered my relationship with my boyfriend, and had the time and energy for a job. I am more proud of myself than ever.

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Happiness is key

So my advice for students and even non-students, is to never jeopardize your health and happiness for a grade. I’m not at all saying don’t give your all at school or skip class everyday. I am saying that sometimes you need to focus on yourself and doing so, does NOT make you a bad person or student. In college we are constantly asked what we want to do after we graduate. To that I say, be healthy and happy. Don’t live life being miserable, but strive to be happy in what you do. I think you’ll find it to be much more rewarding.

Love always,

Small-Town Wallflower


“Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.”

Psalms 37:4

“A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. “

Proverbs 17:22

My plea to you.

This is my plea to you.

Growing up I always thought my relationships were about average. As a average teenage girl I thought every guy that came along with a cute smile, and what seemed to be a caring heart, might be the guy for me. I would fall head over heels for him. Like many girls I was too trusting and easily fooled. It took me years to realize it. Once I was in college I was in psychology class one day and we were talking about relationships. It didn’t hit me until then just how horrible things were. It took me until then to realize how much abuse I actually went through. Now I am not trying to start a sob story here, I purely want to talk about how much abusing a person can change their life and how life gets better.

The first boy (yes boy, not man) I can think of was by far the worst. This relationship happened during my early/middle high school years and really had the most impact on me. I went day by day putting one hundred and ten percent into a relationship that slowly made me into a horrible person. Day after day I would be degraded and ridiculed for the absolute DUMBEST things. I slowly got cut off from my friends and he even turned me against my family. I would get in the worst fights with my mom and it weakened our relationship SEVEARLY at the time. I think that is what hurt me the most. At the time I had no idea this wasn’t normal. It was my first real relationship and I thought I was just doing things wrong. It took me a long time after the relationship ended, to realize I was severely abused by him. When it did end, that’s when high school went to hell. Most people knew who I was in high school but I was far from popular. Him, on the other hand, was known by everyone and popular as could be. After it ended between us, the abuse didn’t stop. He told people horrid things about me that was untrue. However, him being the popular one, why would anyone question him? Why would anyone think twice about it? I think that’s when I first felt invisible.

The next boy (once again, boy, not man) that comes to mind was another cocky, self-centered, popular guy. Now remember, at this time, I was invisible and had the self-confidence of a potato. This happened around the middle/end of high school. I, once again, gave everything I had for this relationship and I could not please him to save my life. I was constantly wrong and messing up. If he told me how to do something and I did it exactly how he said I was STILL wrong. I never knew until about a month ago that he has told people horrible things as well. After this relationship, I felt more invisible than ever and struggled with the isolation.

Then I can just think of a few guys that I liked at some point that I never actually dated. Some happened before and some during high school. Not one of those relationships made me feel worth anything. They all just made me feel like a doormat. So at this point I was invisible, an outcast, full of ZERO self-confidence, hated by 90% of my class, and just wanting to be wanted. **INSERT HUNTER HAYS LYRICS**

After that my horrible choice in guys changed and when I was a senior I found a pretty great person to be with. I found a guy full of love and happiness and that’s the relationship that I think I have the most regrets about. At first, things were great. I was finally so happy and felt so loved. Being with him, I made a lot of new friends and I finally didn’t feel invisible. Life with him was great. It was full of countless football games, nights with friends, parties, and days at the local swimming pool. It made me better. And then I graduated high school. Suddenly I was in college and he was in high school and that’s when things changed. At first it was still full of happiness and adventure, but somewhere along our relationship my depression worsened and things were different. I started to push him away as depression often does in relationships. Between classes, depression, and a boyfriend that lived out of town, things quickly worsened. I started skipping class and became extremely shy and quiet. I was no longer happy and high on life. I pushed him away and almost cut him off from what was happening with me. I really, to this day, don’t know if he ever knew how depressed I was. I think that is what I hate most about my past. I am the reason that relationship failed and I really wish he knew why. But looking at it now, we would eventually have grown apart. I don’t believe God made us for each other. He is a great person that I could never say a bad thing about, but we didn’t fit perfectly. We dated for a little less than two years when we finally broke up. While I knew it was the right thing to do, I still hurt and was full of depression. I will always be so thankful for him and how he made me a better person. And I will always think of him as the man that let me know that not all guys are going to hurt you. Thank you so much for teaching me to trust gain. You’re truly a God sent. And here enters my guardian angel.

My Guardian Angel

My Guardian Angel

Seth came into my life the semester things ended with me, and the guy I was just talking about. We had a class together and while he instantly had a crush on me, we didn’t ever talk until about the middle/end of the semester. I, at the time, was working as a photographer on campus and first talked to him on Facebook when I needed help with a yearbook project. Not long after that, he became one of my only college friends. Yes, just friends. That changed when my last relationship ended. I remember meeting him crying one night and him just listening to me sob and talk about how bad I felt, all the while he just sat there as supportive and caring as could be. After the tears finally stopped we sat there for hours and he managed to make me laugh. I think that was the happiest I had been in a while. As every day passed, he continued to be supportive and made it his mission to keep me smiling throughout the day. That’s when I started to fall for the 6’2, blue-eyed, red headed, left handed pitcher, that I never even planned for. I felt so wanted and loved. I tried to slow myself down, because I had just got out of a long relationship. I didn’t want to talk to another guy for a long time, but I couldn’t help fall head over heals for the most compassionate and loving man that I have ever met. I have to say the timing was horrible, but I was so happy when we started dating. I’m pretty sure that is also when a lot of people started hating me too. I don’t blame them though. I just got out of a long-term relationship and started dating someone else a few weeks later! What?! I would probably hate me too. But, it doesn’t matter how many people were mad at me for it, I was finally HAPPY. I deserved to be happy. I cannot express the love I have for my firefighter/EMT. He is devoting himself to saving peoples lives and little does he know, but he has saved mine. I’m not going to get all mushy, but I do want to say that God created the perfect person for me to spend the rest of my life with. I cannot wait to conquer forever with him.

Seth <3

Seth ❤

I still have depression, along with anxiety and am EXTREMELY shy. I literally only have three friends in college and only a few other friends. I am still an outsider and pretty invisible to the world. But, I no longer care. With Seth’s love, I am whole and I shine brighter everyday.

Happy Life

Happy Life

So in the end I have a plea for everyone. Relationships are hard. Growing up is harder. You’re going to screw up and have regrets, but you’re going to make some amazing memories along the way. Don’t give up. It gets better. It might take months or even years, but it WILL get better. Being happy is goals. Just push through the bad days and I promise something amazing will happen. All the crap I went through was only a small portion of my life and I have the rest of my years to be the happiest person. I give all the glory to God, and know he tests you, and rewards you.

Love always,

Small-Town Wallflower

“We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.”

Romans 5:3-4

“I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live;”

Ecclesiastes 3:12 ESV